The Morning After
by hkm
Summary: This is a companion piece to Wedding Night. It's best if you read that one first, but you won't be completely lost if you don't. Edward waits for Bella to wake up after their first night together on Isle Esme.
1. Chapter 1

This is a companion piece to Wedding Night. This is my first attempt at Edward's point of view, which is my favorite to read, but very difficult to write. All things Twilight belong to Stephanie Meyer.

**The Morning After**

The sun has been up for hours. How much longer would she sleep? How much longer before I'd have to face her? Was the time I would be allowed to hold her in my arms almost up? Or would she forgive me? She has forgiven me so many times before. But there has to be a line somewhere that she would not tolerate me crossing. Was this it? I would find out soon. I could tell by the changes in her heart rate and breathing that she would be awake soon. I looked again over her body at the blooming bruises. As my eyes ranged over her naked form, desire gripped me for just a moment, and then was immediately overpowered by my self-disgust. I had no right to desire this precious creature. I could never deserve her. And she wouldn't want me now in any case. How could she?

Over the years, Carlisle had treated many rape victims, I had seen them in his thoughts. They didn't look much different than this. I was no better than a rapist. I defiled her. I was a monster. I was selfish. I took what I wanted and left my wife battered, damaged. She may have given her consent, but if she had known what would happen, she would never have consented to _this_. My anger flared, and I realized that a small portion of that anger was directed at Bella. Why didn't she tell me I was hurting her? She had agreed to tell me at once if I did something wrong. Why did she let me continue? If she had asked me to stop, I would have stopped right away. Wouldn't I? Of course I would have.

Is it possible she just wanted so badly to give me this gift that it was worth the pain? The fact that her pain was the price of my pleasure sickened me. She maintained that this was something _she_ wanted so badly, but I have often wondered if she really wanted this for me. What if this was always about giving me what I wanted, masked as a favor to her? After all, why would a soft warm human want to make love with a cold rock? How could that have been the least bit pleasurable to her? _No_, I admonished myself; she's a terrible liar. She wanted to share herself with me. She believed she could trust me. She was wrong.

I studied the bruises, the evidence of my crime. Thanks to my perfect recall I could remember every touch, and therefore could remember which touch must have inflicted each one. I had tried to touch her so softly, but had known at the same time I was losing control. I had wanted her so much, and all her reactions fanned the flames of my passion. More than fanned, more like throwing gasoline on those flames. As we first connected, her eyes had squeezed shut, and she had cried out in pleasure. At least I had hoped it was pleasure. I was still worried. I had even asked her to make sure she was not in any pain.

"Yes Edward," she had said, "Yes, it feels good. It feels amazing." I had been instantly relieved. But then her words had echoed in my mind, and it was like an electric shock to my body. _"Yes Edward....Please don't stop."_ My mind had spun out after that, a million little thoughts, and every one excited me like I never imagined. She was still saying yes to me. She wanted this, wanted me. She'd given herself to me. She was _mine._ She was my wife, my lover, in my arms, in my bed, pinned under me. She was completely willing to give me anything I wanted. I was the only one who had ever touched her this way. I was the only one that ever would. Other men wanted her, but she chose me. I had her, and she was _mine. _These thoughts had intoxicated me. The realization that I could make her feel so good that she made that noise made me feel more powerful than any of my vampiric abilities ever had. It gave me confidence, too much confidence. That was the moment when my control began to slip.

Wait. I hadn't asked her anything. "I need to hear you say I'm not hurting you, Bella" I had said. "Tell me this feels good to you." _I need_. _Tell me. _It wasn't a question at all. It was a command. Rather than asking her if she was hurt, I had insisted she tell me what I wanted to hear. Does that mean that she had been in pain and just couldn't bear to disappoint me? Raging self-hatred flashed through me at that thought. I should have known I couldn't pull this off, that I didn't have the control necessary. She kept putting her trust in me, and I'd let her down again. If I were capable of crying, my eyes would be brimming over now.

Another change in her breathing and heart rate indicated she was awake. Her eyes were still closed. I began tracing patterns on her arm. This was it. I would thow myself on her mercy, though I knew I deserved no forgiveness. My beautiful Bella, will you forgive me yet again?

-Author's note:

I am considering continuing this with Edward's take on the morning conversation with Bella. Do you think I should? Leave me a review if you'd like to read more.


	2. Chapter 2

OK, so here it is. I know some people were waiting, so I hope you aren't dissappointed. I've had a terrible time trying to make this interesting to read from EPOV. Plus, it's so hard to write EPOV. Plus plus, I have another idea for a story that won't stay out of my head, and that made it tough to concentrate on this one. Please review!

Disclaimer: ALL the diologue in this chapter is taken directly from Breaking Dawn and is of course the property of Stephanie Meyer, as are the characters.

* * *

Bella chuckled as she opened her eyes. "What's funny?" I asked. She blushed as she began to stir. Then her stomach growled.

"You just can't escape being human for very long." She didn't appear angry. I was so terrified I tried to avoid her eyes. I stared straight up toward the ceiling. "Edward, what is it? What's wrong?"

What's wrong? "You have to ask?" I couldn't keep from looking at her another moment. The dent of deep concern appeared between her eyebrows. I tried to smooth them out with my finger. It made sense for her to be worried and confused. Her wedding night should have been filled with joy and pleasure, and I had brought her pain. Maybe she was worried I would want to make love again, afraid of the pain I'd cause her this time.

Her heartbeat accelerated. "You're upset. I don't understand. Did I…?" She began.

"How badly are you hurt, Bella?" I cut her off. So, that's how it was going to be. She was going to try to make this out to be nothing. I should have known. I wasn't going to let her. "The truth – don't try to downplay it." I needed to know the extent of the damage. She might need medical attention. If she did, what would we tell the doctors? That she fell? It would be obvious even to human eyes that the bruises were fingerprints. They would assume I had abused her and she was covering for me. They would be right.

"Hurt?" She sounded shocked. She flexed her muscles in her arms and legs, seeming to be checking for injuries. She didn't flinch at all when she did this. That made me a little less worried about the extent of her injuries. "Why would you jump to that conclusion? I've never been better than I am now."

I closed my eyes. She was really going to try to convince me that she wasn't even hurt. Selfless Bella. Did she really think she could fool me? That I would miss the bruises? "Stop that."

"Stop _what?" _She asked.

"Stop acting like I'm not a monster for having agreed to this." I couldn't believe my selfishness. All she did was give, and all I did was take.

"Edward! Don't ever say that." Now she sounded upset.

"Look at yourself, Bella. Then tell me I'm not a monster." She looked down at her body, then shook her head. Down fell from her hair. She picked up a tiny piece. "Why am I covered in feathers?"

"I bit a pillow. Or two. That's not what I'm talking about."

"You….bit a pillow? Why?" She was concerned about pillows when she was black and blue? She must not realize how obvious her injuries were. Or she was trying to distract me.

I carefully took her hand and stretched her arm out. "Look at _that"_

Her eyes widened like she was truly surprised to see her marked skin. She looked at the bruises then poked at one on her arm, her mouth hanging open. I matched my hands to their corresponding shapes on her body. "Oh"

"I'm…" What could I say? How do you apologize for such a crime? "…so sorry, Bella." Not good enough. "I knew better than this. I should not have…" I choked on my intended words _I should not have made love with you. _"I am more sorry than I can tell you." I covered my eyes with my arm.

She called my name several times and tried to pull my arm away, but I couldn't face her. "I'm not sorry, Edward." I felt the knot in my stomach loosen just a little. Her touch calmed me. "I'm…I can't even tell you. I'm _so _happy." Happy? Oh Bella. She was worried about my feelings when she was the one who was hurt. She was the one in pain. "That doesn't even cover it. Don't be angry. Don't. I'm really f-"

"Do not say the word _fine_. If you value my sanity, do not say that you are fine." She was very clearly NOT fine. How could I express my need for her to be honest with me? It would have been better for her to be angry with me, to say that I could never touch her again. That's what I deserved, to never be allowed to touch her again.

"But I _am_." Why did she have to be so forgiving?

"Bella, Don't" Please don't. I don't deserve forgiveness.

"No. _You_ don't, Edward." She sounded angry. Maybe she was starting to see reason. I looked at her. "Don't ruin this, I. Am. Happy." She said.

"I've already ruined this." I could barely manage a whisper. It was our honeymoon, our wedding night was supposed to be a beautiful expression of our love for each other. We can never get that back, I can never make it right.

"Cut it out. Ugh! Why can't you just read my mind already? It's so _inconvenient_ to be a mental mute!"

My shock must have been apparent on my face. "That's a new one. You love that I can't read your mind."

"Not today."

"Why?" I had no idea where she was going with this completely unrelated topic.

"Because all this angst would be completely unnecessary if you could see how I feel right now! Or five minutes ago, anyway. I _was_ perfectly happy. Totally and completely blissed out. Now-well, I'm sort of pissed, actually."

Good. "You _should_ be angry at me."

"Well, I am. Does that make you feel better?"

"No. I don't think anything could make me feel better now." At least it's better than her unending forgiveness.

"_That_, that right there is why I'm angry. You are _killing my buzz_, Edward." Her buzz? And I thought I was the masochist. "We knew this was going to be tricky. I thought that was assumed. And then-well, it was a lot easier than I thought it would be. And this is really nothing. I think for a first time, not knowing what to expect, we did amazing…."

She said more, but whatever it was it didn't register. I was too full of shock and anger. "Assumed? Did you expect this Bella? Were you anticipating that I would hurt you?" I had thought she trusted me not to hurt her. Apparently she was just willing to risk injury. She must have been terrified. How much of her quickened pulse, that I had enjoyed so much because I assumed it was from excitement, was actually from fear? "Were you thinking it would be worse? Do you consider the experiment a success because you can walk away from it? No broken bones – that equals a victory?" Then my mind caught up to the last words she had said before I cut her off. _"With a little practice."_ She had started to say. Dear God, she was willing to do this again. I drowned in anger. Anger that she was making light of this. Anger at myself for the arousal welling up in me at the idea of practice. I couldn't stop the stream of fantasy. It hit me so quickly, all the ways I could have her, all the ways I could touch her. Various positions, different rooms of the house, down on the beach. I imagined the noises I could make her make, and the look of passion in her half closed eyes. I wanted her again so badly, and she would allow it…She would let me have her any way I wanted. I was so selfish. I couldn't risk her safety for my disgusting fantasies.

"I didn't know what to expect – but I definitely did not expect how…how…just wonderful and perfect it was." I had thought it was perfect too, until… "I mean, I don't know how it was for you, but it was like that for me."

_What?_ After all this time, I still have so little insight on how she thinks. "Is that what you're worried about? That I didn't _enjoy_ myself?"

"I know it's not the same. You're not human. I just was trying to explain that, for a human, well, I can't imagine that life gets any better than that." Oh Bella, you have no idea. I didn't want her to think that I was disappointed in the experience.

"It seems that I have more to apologize for. I didn't dream that you would construe the way I feel about what I did to you to mean that last night wasn't…well, the best night of my existence. But I don't want to think of it that way, not when you were…" It was so hard to reconcile my joyful memories of last night with the fact that I had been hurting Bella the entire time.

"Really? The best ever?" She sounded surprised. How could she not know?

I took her face in my hands and looked right into her eyes. I had to make her understand how I felt about last night, how beautiful it was to me. "I spoke to Carlisle after you and I made our bargain, hoping he could help me. Of course he warned me that this would be very dangerous for you. He had faith in me, though – faith I didn't deserve. I also asked him what I should expect. I didn't know what it would be for me…what with my being a vampire. Carlisle told me it was a very powerful thing, like nothing else." That was so true. It was definitely worth waiting all these years to share this with Bella. "He told me physical love was something I should not treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperaments, strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways. But he said I did not need to worry about that part – you had already altered me so completely. I spoke to my brothers, too. They told me it was a very great pleasure." My mind shot back to that conversation with Jasper and Emmet. I got more than I bargained for with their thoughts. It was so much more than physical pleasure to them, the connection, the intimacy. At the time I didn't fully understand. "Second only to drinking human blood. But I've tasted your blood, and there could be no blood more potent than _that_…I don't think they were wrong, really. Just that it was different for us. Something more." Just like how the experience of feeling love first hand had been so much more powerful than seeing it or hearing about it in others' minds, the experience of sex had been the same. It couldn't compare to anything I'd heard or seen.

"It _was_ more. It was everything." It _was_ everything…for me. She couldn't possibly feel that way about an experience that hurt her so much.

"That doesn't change the fact that it was wrong. Even if it were possible that you really did feel that way."

"What does _that_ mean? Do you think I'm making this up? Why?"

"To ease my guilt. I can't ignore the evidence, Bella. Or your history of trying to let me off the hook when I make mistakes."

She took hold of me by the chin and leaned in so she was speaking right into my face. I could feel her breath against my lips. That coupled with the flash of anger and determination in her eyes filled me once again with desire. She was still naked, and so was I. "You listen to me, Edward Cullen. I am not pretending anything for your sake, okay? I didn't even know there was a reason to make you feel better until you started being all miserable. _I've_ never been so happy in all my life – I wasn't this happy when you decided that you loved me more than you wanted to kill me," If I'd been human, there would have been no question on that point. "or the first morning I woke up and you were there waiting for me…" That had been the best night of my life at the time. "Not when I heard your voice in the ballet studio" A stab of pain shot through me when I thought about how much pain she'd already endured because of her love for me. "or when you said 'I do' and I realized that, somehow, I get to keep you forever. Those are the happiest memories I have, and this is better than any of it. So just deal with it." I was surprised she listed our wedding in her happiest memories, considering how much she had been dreading it.

"I'm making you unhappy now. I don't want to do that." This was her honeymoon, and I was turning it into a pity party for myself.

"Then don't you be unhappy. That's the only thing that's wrong here." Well, if that's all she asked of me, I could do that for her.

"You're right. The past is past and I can't do anything to change it. There's no sense in letting my mood sour this time for you. I'll do whatever I can to make you happy now."

"Whatever makes me happy?" For a moment, I thought I saw a seductive glint in her eye, and my thoughts began to wander again. But before I could think that she wanted to make love again, I heard her stomach growl, and knew what she wanted. Breakfast.

"You're hungry." I jumped out of bed and grabbed my pants out of my open suitcase, pulling them on quickly, intending to get started on her breakfast before I was tempted to touch her again.

"So, why exactly did you decide to ruin Esme's pillows?"

I wasn't sure what to say. Something deep in my subconscious took over to protect her, made me turn my head away when the urge to bite became too powerful. "I don't know if I decided to do anything last night. We're just lucky it was the pillows and not you." For a moment, I was lost in the memory of being inside her. Such a burst of joy came with the memory I could not contain it. I smiled as I looked again at my beautiful wife naked in my bed. I watched her swing her feet over the edge of the bed and pull herself up to stand and stretch. Seeing her standing up, I had a much better view of the bruises. When I was studying the bruises as she slept, she was laying on some. Now I could see a clear handprint on her left hip, where I had used my hand to keep her body still while I drove into her again and again. I was filled with self disgust. I had crushed a delicate flower for my own pleasure. I was deplorable. I couldn't look at her anymore. I didn't deserve to look at her. I turned away.

"Do I look that hideous?" Hideous? She was beautiful. Perfect. I was the hideous monster. I couldn't answer. I heard her walk off toward the bathroom. Maybe once she saw herself she would understand my crime. I heard her groan. Was she in pain? Did she discover an injury we had both missed? I was at her side in an instant.

"Bella?"

"I'll _never_ get this all out of my hair!"

"You would be worried about your hair." I started helping her to pull out the feathers.

"How did you keep from laughing at this? I look ridiculous. This isn't going to work. It's all dried in. I'm going to have to try to wash it out. Do you want to help me?" She had turned around and wrapped her arms around me. She pressed herself against me. If I'd had blood, it would have been boiling with the desire that flared immediately as I felt her breasts press against my chest. She wanted to try again? How could she? I didn't understand. This woman's selflessness knows no bounds. I…couldn't, I just couldn't hurt her again for my own physical gratification. Never.

"I'd better find some food for you." I untangled myself from her embrace, where I most desperately wanted to be, and escaped as quickly as possible for the kitchen, before I could do something else I would regret. I had thought it would be hard not to ask her to make love again. I never dreamed she'd try to convince me. I didn't know how I'd keep resisting her if she kept that up. I just had to keep reminding myself that she just wanted this for me, not for herself. That would give me strength. And there were plenty of activities on the island to keep us busy.


End file.
